The Grief of Perimenopause 😔

I can't help but think of good ole Charlie Brown when I see or hear the word grief. It also makes me wonder how in the world grief can be “good” as he often exclaims.

But there's another reason I associate Charlie Brown with grief.

My late granddaddy loved the whole Peanuts gang. I can hear him laughing now over a scuffle between Snoopy and Woodstock atop Snoopy's red roof.

I miss grandaddy a lot.

He died in 2013 when I was 34 years old.

Of course, that was a good ten years before I entered perimenopause, but losing him was the catalyst for many years of future grievances.

And the grief I've experienced hasn't just been about the loss of loved ones.

It's so much deeper than that.

I've been mourning for lost pets, lost homes, lost relationships, lost career, aging parents, my metabolism and energy, and the simple motivation to get shit done.

If you think about it, by the time we reach our late 40s and early 50s, we have already lived a lot of life. 

And we've lost a lot too.

And that can make it hard to be hopeful about the future. 

For me, it's hard to be optimistic about the future when there's so much pain in the past.

But I'm also beginning to realize that grief is only one side of the coin.

There's another “G” word that I've been grappling with lately. . .

It's gratitude.

A stupid, simple practice that can really help you redirect those gloomy thoughts.

Let's get something straight right up front, I'm not going to suggest a gratitude journal or some kind of daily list. We've got enough to do without worrying about something else to add to the list. 

Instead, I want you to take a nap.

Not a literal nap, but hey girl, do what you gotta do.

NAP is an acronym I came up with to help me deal with the not-so-hot emotions like grief and sadness. Here's what it stands for:

N - Notice

A - Accept

P - Pivot

First, get in the habit of noticing when you begin to experience emotions such as grief or sadness. Like literally take a second to name how you are feeling in the moment. You can simply fill in the blanks to this sentence. 

"I feel ____ because ____"

The next step is super important, so please do not skip it.

The next step is acceptance.

Sometimes when we are experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, we just want to push it away. We distract ourselves with social media, work, television, shopping, and other people’s problems. Anything to avoid feeling like “that”. 

But we all know we are just sweeping everything under the proverbial rug. 

Or maybe you just stack another “less painful” emotion on top of your grief because anger or denial just feels easier in that moment. 

Maybe we feel mad that the person or thing is gone.

Maybe we secretly feel ashamed for not being able to "get over it" and move on.

Maybe we just "grin and bear it" even though we feel sad, lonely and depressed.

But I feel like during perimenopause, we finally start cleaning house and shaking out the rugs. We can't avoid how we feel any longer. 

That's where acceptance becomes extremely important. 

Because we're done denying what was or what could have been. 

And this is a powerful step because by accepting exactly how we feel (no matter how shitty it is), we are giving ourselves permission to experience our emotions exactly as they are without added guilt, shame, or fear.

Essentially, we are giving ourselves permission to be a messy, imperfect human - emotions and all. 

And I want to be clear about something when it comes to finding acceptance about something you are grieving. 

Accepting a loss is not the same as forgetting one.

It's actually quite the opposite...

It's about remembering.

(By the way, if you start boo hoo crying during this process, freakin' go for it. You've probably been holding back those tears for way too long. Grab a box of tissue and cry your eyes out, girl. Then when you're ready, you can come back to step three...)

The third and final step of taking a NAP is to pivot. 

Now the accountant in me immediately thinks about a damn pivot table-lol - but that's not exactly what we're talkin' about here.

Merriam Webster defines the verb pivot as follows:

~ To adapt or improve by adjusting or modifying something.

In this instance, the thing we're gonna modify is your thought process. 

And we're gonna do that with gratitude.

We're gonna keep it stupid simple though.

Here's how to do it. 

First, look around your environment right now and name three things that you are grateful for. Now, take it a step further and think about why you are grateful for those things.

For example, I am grateful for my favorite coffee cup. It holds the perfect amount of coffee, and I like the way it feels in my hand. Plus, drinking hot coffee without a cup would probably suck ass. 

Okay, now we're gonna level up.

Next, think of three things about your body that you are grateful for and why…(No body shaming please!)

Today, I'm super grateful for my hands. I'm writing the first draft of this article by hand, and I love how the pen just glides across the pages. And my hands do sooo many other things for me that just make life more manageable and enjoyable - petting Wilma, eating, doom scrolling, washing my hair . . . You get the picture. 

Okay, the last part of this gratitude practice brings us back full circle…

We're coming back to grief, but we're coming back to it with a new perspective. 

Think about the person, thing, or situation that you are grieving. I know there are probably several grievances to choose from, but just choose the one that feels the most painful to you right now. 

It's natural to think about everything that you lost, but try to see this situation through a different lens. 

See if you can find three reasons to be grateful for the person, place, or thing that you lost. Maybe you learned a valuable lesson. Maybe you got closer to someone else during the grieving process. Maybe you learned a new skill or a new opportunity showed up. 

For example, I could go on and on about granddaddy and the ways that I am grateful for him. In many ways, he was like the father I never had. But the thing I am most grateful for was that he introduced me to computers at a very early age. I think about him often when I'm trying to figure out a new software or poking around in ChatGPT. I'm just so thankful that he did that for me. And I know that I will always have a part of him with me even though he's not here in the physical sense. 

(Okay, now I'm crying.)

But it's okay.

To me, in order to grieve something or someone, it means that you had the privilege of loving, and if you're lucky - being loved in return.

I don't think I would want to live in a world where grief doesn't exist... 'cause that would mean a life without joy and love.

And I'm still hopeful that there are a lot more moments of joy and love coming into my life as I head into the second act of my life and approach the big 5-0.

New relationships.

New adventures. 

New ways to experience life. 

There will be more grief - that's inevitable. 

But there will also be more love.

And I am really grateful for that. 

Love,
Crystal